Friday Finds Fear
Hey ya’ll lets get real. Last we left off I spoke out how I’m finding theme in my work. I’m low key continuing that this week. Instead of general theme though I want to focus on fear. Fear has been the theme of my life for the last two weeks. Though with the hopefully the final cancer free scan under my husband’s belt and a new writing attitude and scheduled under mine, I think we might make it.
Last week I recommitted, to treating writing like a job and I have been averaging about 600 words per 40 minute writing session. I wouldn’t say I’m content with the progress I’m making but I feel better about it than I did before. Now that I can see the draft shaping up, and the long road ahead, the honeymoon period has worn off. Writing is starting to actually feel like a job. Which is great, but now I work two jobs and I don’t even get paid for one, and I might not ever. The thought of never being able to support myself with my art and could being in retail hell forever is, well it’s a fucking bummer ya’ll.
On top of all of that, the current political climate, which is never something I can never ignore, came to a head this past week in a way that weighed very heavy on my soul.
Still she’s persisted, I won’t stop doping something because of my fear of failing. That’s not what Younce or any star trek captain would do, so that’s not what I’m going to do. Persevering is not something I’m a stranger to. So, with my husband cheering me on/ forcing me to stop watching the Rap Game to write, progress has been and will continue be made.
Another reason for my anxiety is my first critique, I’ve never had eyes on my work this way before, and it’s nerve wracking, I’m most afraid of being surprised by a critique, like discovering another writing weakness I need to work on, but I’m also excited for that same thing, The more I know my self as a writer the more I can improve as one.
On thing that has come of all of this fear is connection to my main characters and their fears. Ya’ll fear is a powerful motivator, and if I’ve gain anything in during these past two weeks of angst and fear its, fear must be faced to drive a story forward. My character must over overcome their fear to drive their story forward so must I with my writing and life.
So, as it stands, it’s like I’m in this old fixer upper and I’ve started tearing into the walls and shaping my dream layout, I can see all that I want this house to be. Except now that the walls are down I have mold, and the foundation is shit and I don’t know if I can afford to fix it. The pretty HGTV image I have in my head feels a million lightyears away, unreachable in this lifetime. Plus, it feels like even if I fix the damn thing up, the neighborhood doesn’t think I’m good enough or that I’m a danger to this suburb, which could spell disaster for me and the people I care about. So now I’m just terrified because I have so much to do, and I don’t know if I can do it, and even if I do it, will I be able to enjoy it? Still, this is my house and I have a hammer and nothing better to do.
So, I’m writer, with a draft, and pen, ready to face my fears. What are your fears about your writing, and writing path? Tell me in the comments below, till next time create, hustle, and love yourself
